It was 1:17 a.m. and I found myself lying in bed with my jaw clenched and my body tense. Slowly and subtly I had reached a very low point in my mental health, and tonight felt like I had finally reached the bottom. Restless nights are not unique or uncommon, as we will all go through times of turmoil or deep contemplation that will require more time from us than the day has to offer. This night would not offer rest, because I had fallen into a pit and when you reach the bottom your only option is to climb out.
My heart was aching and my throat was tight, my mental state had triggered physical reactions that kept me from finding rest. I paced the living room as I fought off a barrage of insecurities and thoughts of insignificance. I finally sat down and tried to force out the tears that had been resting in my eyes for the last hour, but they would not come. With a mind that had been filled to the brim with destructive thoughts, I reached for the one thing that I knew would provide some sort of release from the pain: my laptop.
I opened my journal and began to type. Unfiltered and uncensored, I filled the page with every thought that was clouding my mind. I did not let myself edit, or even try and decipher truth from fiction; whether it was reality or just my perception of reality, it needed to be released from my mind onto the page. In the end, it was the most devastating words I have ever written.
I had to fight the urge to delete it, because somehow I felt lighter. My throat had loosened up, the tears had left my eyes, and my body had settled into a resting state. Once again, the simple act of writing words onto a page had proven to be a valuable weapon in the fight to carry on. Those doubts and insecurities lost a lot of their power over me once they were on that page, the burden had been transferred from my heart to the page. I am going to leave them there, and if they return again, I will send them right back to the page.